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Hoosier Musings on the Road to Emmaus

Monday, May 14, 2007

Church Football

I love baseball; but I am not, I will admit, the world's biggest football fan. With all due respect to Rev. Ref, and despite his best efforts, I still find it mildly confusing. Like how most of the player positions change names when the football changes hands (The guy standing in the same spot on the same field, who magically turns from a center into a nose guard. Who thought that was a good idea?!). Or how sometimes a player is allowed to catch the ball, and sometimes he isn't... depending on where he happens to be crouched when the ball starts moving. Maybe. Or how the time clock has nothing to do with reality. The last two minutes can take half an hour, for pete's sake. Oy.

Of course, part of the issue is probably that, like all fields of human endeavor, football has its own jargon, and it's a language I never really learned to speak.

However, I came across some definitions today in my email. Maybe this'll help...

  • Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.
  • Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship.
  • Halftime - The period between Sunday school and worship when many choose to leave.
  • Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or do anything but sit.
  • Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.
  • Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work.
  • Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.
  • Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations.
  • Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime."
  • Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.
  • End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.
  • Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.
  • Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.
  • Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.

2 Comments:

Blogger Susie said...

Oh c'mon... you watch basketball in your house, and that clock also has nothing to do with reality! I know, cuz there has been a LOT of basketball on lately...

May 15, 2007 12:50 PM  

Blogger Jane Ellen said...

Yes, Susie, you are absolutely correct-- and as much as I enjoy watching basketball, the "delay the inevitable" tactics of the last few minutes in many games make me seriously nuts. When they make me Queen of the Universe, it will not be permitted, because We Are Not Amused.

Of course, I'm not watching it at the moment, not being a pro-ball fan. Another bias of mine: Real basketball was over in March...

May 17, 2007 7:36 PM  

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