Ups & Downs

You know, there's lots I could be saying here, and I don't know where to begin.

I spent this afternoon at the hospital with my grandmother. I wish I could convey some sense of seeing this wise, strong, funny lady, lying small and frail and befuddled in her bed. IV's, tests and injections have left her arms a mass of bruises. Deep aches and sharp pains that make her fractious. Three weeks ago this woman-- a former teacher, and all around smart cookie-- was still doing her crossword puzzle every day, in pen. Today she's not entirely sure where she is. Oh, there's lots of reasons-- an infection, dehydration, the progression into her bones of the cancer for which she's refused treatment. It's an answer to prayer, she says-- at 98, she's ready to go home; and I'm as ready as I can be, I think, to let her. But that doesn't make it easier; not like this.

AKMA preached a wondrous sermon this morning, about Pentecost, and miracles. Go read it. Tonight, as I'm digging out the power of attorney and living will so Jan and I can meet with the hospice rep in the morning, I'm clinging to that holy vision by the raw edges.